6 degrees apart
Monday, October 29, 2007
Time to shop...
This short amusing story was send to me, there is somewhat of a incorrect political element in it giving one pause to think! I will let you make up your own mind.
It’s time to Shop...
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for acouple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?''
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.'
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
''Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' Ihaven't had my hair done in 20 years!
''Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with myhusband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a womanlooks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
It’s time to Shop...
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for acouple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?''
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.'
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
''Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' Ihaven't had my hair done in 20 years!
''Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with myhusband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a womanlooks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Economic models explained by cows
Economic models explained by cows:
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
__________________
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
__________________
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Getting on a bit!
....Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes.Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.----
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.-
-- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.-
-- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A joke!
A man was riding his motorcycle along a beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.' The biker pulled over and said: 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride over any time I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take!
'It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The
biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied: 'Sooo, You want two lanes
or four on that bridge?'
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.' The biker pulled over and said: 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride over any time I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take!
'It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The
biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied: 'Sooo, You want two lanes
or four on that bridge?'
be right back with the captions
Monday, October 15, 2007
About an elephant .....and a Mike
Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Jeremy Clarkson quotes ........
Jeremy Clarkson Quotes:
"I'm sorry but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bitlike having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. Ifyou've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the LadybirdBook of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine, it's full ofrubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"(About Porsche Cayman S) There are many things I'd rather be doingthan driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stagein a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the airsaying there will be no war with Germany "
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word forw****r!"On the Alfa Romeo Brera: "I only have to imagine this in black, with tanleather and I'm nursing a semi!"Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull agreased stick out of a pig's bottom!
"On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "There is a word to describe this car: itbegins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So it's fairly terrible then?"Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is anotherleague of badness!"
"Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -and that he, long before anyone else, realised that Jade Goody is aracist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, isthat he's called the Stig!"
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with anEthiopian transvestite."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that'swhat gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a campfire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good, I'vegot syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""(About the Mercedes CLs55)
"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
"I'm sorry but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bitlike having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. Ifyou've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the LadybirdBook of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine, it's full ofrubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"(About Porsche Cayman S) There are many things I'd rather be doingthan driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stagein a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the airsaying there will be no war with Germany "
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word forw****r!"On the Alfa Romeo Brera: "I only have to imagine this in black, with tanleather and I'm nursing a semi!"Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull agreased stick out of a pig's bottom!
"On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "There is a word to describe this car: itbegins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So it's fairly terrible then?"Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is anotherleague of badness!"
"Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -and that he, long before anyone else, realised that Jade Goody is aracist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, isthat he's called the Stig!"
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with anEthiopian transvestite."
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that'swhat gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a campfire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good, I'vegot syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""(About the Mercedes CLs55)
"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again whenthe Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the leastevolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire athis intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,California, would-be robber James Elliot didsomething that can only inspire wonder. He peereddown the barrel and tried the trigger again. Thistime it worked.....And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost afinger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a littleshopping around, submitted a claim to his insurancecompany. The company expecting negligence sent outone of its men to have a look for himself. He triedthe machine and he also lost a finger. The chef'sclaim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear aspace for his car during a blizzard in Chicagoreturned with his vehicle to find a woman had takenthe space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, aZimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mentalpatients he was supposed to be transporting fromHarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admithis incompetence, the driver went to a nearby busstop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.He then delivered the passengers to the mentalhospital, telling the staff that the patients werevery excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. Thedeception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospitalrecovering from serious head wounds received from anoncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,the lad told police that he was simply trying to seehow close he could get his head to a moving trainbefore he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a$20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. Whenthe clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled agun and asked for all the cash in the register,which the clerk promptly provided. The man took thecash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 billon the counter. The total amount of cash he got fromthe drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at youand gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer prettybadly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder blockthrough a liquor store window, grab some booze,and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved itover his head at the window. The cinder block bouncedback and hit the would-be thief on the head,knocking him unconscious. The liquor store windowwas made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught onvideotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New Yorkconvenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman wasable to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.They put him in the car and drove back to the store.The thief was then taken out of the car and told tostand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stolethe purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that aman walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan,at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.The clerk turned him down because he said hecouldn't open the cash register without a foodorder. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerksaid they weren't available for breakfast. The man,frustrated, walked away.
***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from amotor home parked on a Seattle street, he got muchmore than he bargained for. Police arrived at thescene to find a very sick man curled up next to amotor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesmansaid that the man admitted to trying to stealgasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of thevehicle declined to press charges, saying that itwas the best laugh he'd ever had.In the interest of bettering human kind pleaseshare these with your friends and family .... unlessof course one of these individuals by chance is adistant relative or long lost friend. In that casebe glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
****** Remember ... they walk among us! ******
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire athis intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,California, would-be robber James Elliot didsomething that can only inspire wonder. He peereddown the barrel and tried the trigger again. Thistime it worked.....And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost afinger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a littleshopping around, submitted a claim to his insurancecompany. The company expecting negligence sent outone of its men to have a look for himself. He triedthe machine and he also lost a finger. The chef'sclaim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear aspace for his car during a blizzard in Chicagoreturned with his vehicle to find a woman had takenthe space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, aZimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mentalpatients he was supposed to be transporting fromHarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admithis incompetence, the driver went to a nearby busstop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.He then delivered the passengers to the mentalhospital, telling the staff that the patients werevery excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. Thedeception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospitalrecovering from serious head wounds received from anoncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,the lad told police that he was simply trying to seehow close he could get his head to a moving trainbefore he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a$20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. Whenthe clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled agun and asked for all the cash in the register,which the clerk promptly provided. The man took thecash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 billon the counter. The total amount of cash he got fromthe drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at youand gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer prettybadly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder blockthrough a liquor store window, grab some booze,and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved itover his head at the window. The cinder block bouncedback and hit the would-be thief on the head,knocking him unconscious. The liquor store windowwas made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught onvideotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New Yorkconvenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman wasable to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.They put him in the car and drove back to the store.The thief was then taken out of the car and told tostand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stolethe purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that aman walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan,at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.The clerk turned him down because he said hecouldn't open the cash register without a foodorder. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerksaid they weren't available for breakfast. The man,frustrated, walked away.
***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from amotor home parked on a Seattle street, he got muchmore than he bargained for. Police arrived at thescene to find a very sick man curled up next to amotor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesmansaid that the man admitted to trying to stealgasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of thevehicle declined to press charges, saying that itwas the best laugh he'd ever had.In the interest of bettering human kind pleaseshare these with your friends and family .... unlessof course one of these individuals by chance is adistant relative or long lost friend. In that casebe glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
****** Remember ... they walk among us! ******
Monday, October 01, 2007
About the British.....
FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
